Dog Humor
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around and
he sees a sign
in front of a house: "Talking Dog For
Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is
in
the backyard.
The guy goes into
the backyard and sees
a
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Britt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Britt looks up and says,
"Well, I
discovered that I could talk when
I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told
the CIA
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for
eight years running."
"But the jetting around
really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any
younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at
the
airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
suspicious
characters and listening in. I
uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He
goes back in
and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten
dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is
amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."
GOING TO THE DOGS
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
- Will Rogers
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made."
- M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
- Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
- Anonymous
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
- Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
- Franklin P. Jones
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
- Unknown
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
- Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber
"Women and cats will do as they damn well please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Twenty-six reasons
dogs
are better than wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a
day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another
dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give
them
away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling
you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's
interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
If Dogs Sent Letters to God...
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,The colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
Dear God,
Why are there so many rules? These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements).
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
20. I will not play tug of war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
22. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
23. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
24. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean its cleaner.
25. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
26. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.
27. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
DOG'S PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS:
1. Blaming your farts on me....not funny.....not very funny at all.
2. Yelling at me for barking.....I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is it anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not at home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.....you nitwit.
7. Taking me to the vet for the 'Big Snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
8. Getting upset when I sniff your guest’s crotches. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Idiot!
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
11. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
12. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
13. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
14. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills;
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time;
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without medical help;
If you can relax without liquor;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;
If you can do all these things...
Then you are probably the family dog.
STILL LEARNING
How
long have
you been with dogs?"
I asked this old chap at the show.
"Forty-odd years and more," he replied.
"Then there's not much that you wouldn't know."
"I'm still learning," he said, "I'm still learning."
And it made me ponder a while
On those who know it all in three months,
And I gave him a ghost of a smile.
You could tell he'd have none of the new-fangled,
He was old-fashioned right down to the core.
But I'll bet when judges gathered together
His name would rank up in the fore.
He would have hunted and shot over dogs
Before most of us had been born.
He'd sat with his dogs in the woods
And with them had scented the dawn.
He's bred, shown, paraded and judged,
He knew it all outside from in.
"But I'm still learning," he said, "I'm still learning."
With his quiet, unobtrusive small grin.
So all we ringside Johnny-come-latelies,
All we experts who own just one pup,
Remember that old guy's forty years of "still learning,"
And for goodness' sake learn to shut up!
- author
unknown